Feminist 4 Fathers

http://feminist4fathers.blogspot.com/

This is an amazingly lucid and up to the minute blog put together by a feminist member of Fathers 4 Justice.

I'm gobsmacked and so shall you be. An amazing contribution to a child's right to become a parent and for existing parents to be just that.


"No one gives more than the one who gives hope."

Fathers-4-Justice Call for Overnight Staying Contact

Went down to London for the Fathers-4-Justice demonstration and March through London. There were plenty of people there from grandma's, to aunties to new partners, to mums apart from their children and of course, the dads.

Most people were dressed in pyjamas or dressing gowns and one chap was just in his pants! The demonstration was about securing a minimum of overnight staying contact with a parent after separation or divorce wherever possible.

The march was rounded off with speeches including quotes from the following commentary by Earl Howe on a new bill going through parliament at the moment. This is what he said and for my money he is extremely accurate in his reasoning:

Baroness Walmsley: I am most grateful to the Minister for that full explanation. On the first four amendments, his statements of intent to have the child's wishes and feelings taken even more into account than they are at present are valuable, and I accept his explanation that the primacy of the welfare of the child means that the child's wishes and feelings will be taken into account at all appropriate stages, although it is not specified in the Bill.

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Amendments Nos. 140A and B were probing, although I did not say so. I accept what the Minister said about Amendment No. 140A. He is correct: it was certainly not our intention to devalue other elements or fetter the court's decision, especially if the child's wishes and feelings would put the child in danger. I realise that Amendment No. 140B is flawed because it does not specify, "where the child can understand" or "where it is appropriate to the age of the child to write to them". Obviously, one would not write to a one year-old child. It was a probing amendment to find out what happens when decisions are made against the wishes of the child. How is that explained to the child? Is there a duty to ensure that it is explained to the child? Who does it? Is it done appropriately? If decisions are made contrary to what older children want, they have a right to know why that was done and have it properly explained to them. From the Minister's response, I took it that that is currently done by the CAFCASS officer. Is that correct?

Lord Adonis: Actually, communicating with the child is normally done by one of the parents involved, unless they are not personally present. Where a CAFCASS officer is engaged, the officer will clearly play a role with the child.

Baroness Walmsley: I thank the noble Lord for that. I shall read carefully what he has had to say on this group of amendments to see whether we need to return to them, but in general terms I am relatively happy with what he said and I beg leave to withdraw the amendment.

Amendment, by leave, withdrawn.

[Amendments Nos. 57 to 59 not moved.]

Lord Adonis moved Amendments Nos. 60 to 61:

Page 4, leave out lines 21 to 30 and insert—

"(1) The Secretary of State may by regulations make provision authorising him to make payments to assist individuals falling within subsection (2) in paying relevant charges or fees.

(2) An individual falls within this subsection if he is required by a contact activity direction or condition to take part in an activity that promotes contact with a child, not being a child ordinarily resident in Wales.

(3) The National Assembly for Wales may by regulations make provision authorising it to make payments to assist individuals falling within subsection (4) in paying relevant charges or fees.

(4) An individual falls within this subsection if he is required by a contact activity direction or condition to take part in an activity that promotes contact with a child who is ordinarily resident in Wales.

(5) A relevant charge or fee, in relation to an activity required by a contact activity direction or condition, is a charge or fee in respect of the activity payable to the person providing the activity.

(6) Regulations under this section may provide that no assistance is available to an individual unless—

(a) the individual satisfies such conditions as regards his financial resources as may be set out in the regulations;

(b) the activity in which the individual is required by a contact activity direction or condition to take part is provided to him in England or Wales;

(c) where the activity in which the individual is required to take part is provided to him in England, it is provided by a person who is for the time being


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approved by the Secretary of State as a provider of activities required by a contact activity direction or condition;

(d) where the activity in which the individual is required to take part is provided to him in Wales, it is provided by a person who is for the time being approved by the National Assembly for Wales as a provider of activities required by a contact activity direction or condition.

(7) Regulations under this section may make provision—

(a) as to the maximum amount of assistance that may be paid to or in respect of an individual as regards an activity in which he is required by a contact activity direction or condition to take part;

(b) where the amount may vary according to an individual's financial resources, as to the method by which the amount is to be determined;

(c) authorising payments by way of assistance to be made directly to persons providing activities required by a contact activity direction or condition."

Page 4, line 36, after "condition" insert "by means of a contact order"

On Question, amendments agreed to.

[Amendment No. 62 not moved.]

On Question, Whether Clause 1, as amended, shall stand part of the Bill.

Earl Howe: There is a very simple truth associated with contact disputes. It is that if both parties to the dispute are content with the amount of contact that they have with the child, there is no longer any dispute. Contact disputes are about one thing and one thing only: the amount of time that each parent believes that he or she should have with the child. That simple truth has somehow got submerged during the drafting of this Bill. What we needed in the Bill—what everyone thought we were going to get when the Green Paper was published—was measures designed to facilitate contact; measures that would put right the deficiencies of court settlements under the current system, deficiencies which the Government acknowledged in their Green Paper.

What we have in Clause 1 are not measures that will facilitate contact, but rather measures that will serve only to defer contact. The so-called contact activities for which the clause provides are not contact; they are things that the court says you have to do before you are allowed contact. That idea, with great respect to the Minister, will do nothing to help sort out the one and only question at issue between two parents in this situation: how much time should each of them be allowed to have with the child? It completely misses the point.

Clause 1 is a blind alley, and the Government have got themselves into it because of a muddle about the current law and how the law operates in practice. Instead of acknowledging, as they originally did, that the system was not working and needed mending, they are now saying that the basis on which the courts operate is all right and that it does not need changing.

The Minister has repeatedly maintained that case law safeguards the principle of the two-parent model—that is to say, the principle that children


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normally benefit from a meaningful relationship with both parents following separation, unless good reasons can be shown why that should not happen. In other words, the Government say that there is already a presumption of meaningful relations or meaningful contact enshrined in case law. But when it is put to them, as it was yesterday, that this presumption should be mirrored in statute, they say "Oh no; we do not like the idea of a presumption of reasonable contact actually appearing in the Children Act". Their position is thus contradictory. And the muddle of this position is compounded by their belief that the present law is all right. The present law is not all right because it cannot prevent thousands of blameless and loving parents being granted next to no contact with their children for no material or good reason.

To the noble Baroness, Lady Howarth, I say that we are not talking about dangerous or dysfunctional parents but normal, loving, non-violent parents who have had to come to court repeatedly to prove to a judge why it is reasonable for them to have meaningful relationship with their child.

[Sitting suspended for a Division in the House from 6.12 to 6.25 pm.]

Earl Howe: With the leave of the Committee, I shall start my remarks again, as it is perhaps easier to pick up the thread of the argument that way. A very simple truth is associated with contact disputes—that if both parties to the dispute are content with the amount of contact that they have with the child, there is no longer any dispute. Contact disputes are about one thing and one thing only; that is, the amount of time that each parent believes that he or she should have with the child. That simple truth seems to have somehow got submerged during the drafting of this Bill.

What we needed in the Bill, and what everyone believed that we were going to get when the Green Paper was published, were measures designed to facilitate contact, which would put right the deficiencies of court settlements under the current system—deficiencies which the Government themselves acknowledged in their Green Paper. What we have in Clause 1 are not measures that facilitate contact but rather measures that will serve only to defer contact. The so-called contact activities, for which the clause provides, are not about contact—they are the things that the court says that you have to do before you are allowed contact. That idea, with great respect to the Minister, will do nothing to help to sort out the one and only question at issue between two parents: how much time should each of them be allowed to have with the child? It completely misses the point.

Clause 1 is a blind alley, and the Government have got themselves into it because of a muddle about the current law and the way in which it operates in practice. Instead of acknowledging, as they originally did, that the system was not working and needed mending, they are now saying that the basis on which the courts operate is all right and that it does not need changing. The Minister has repeatedly maintained


12 Oct 2005 : Column GC108
that case law safeguards the principle of the two-parent model; that is to say, the principle that children normally benefit from a meaningful relationship with both parents following separation, unless good reasons can be shown why that should not happen. In other words, they say that there is already a presumption of meaningful relations or meaningful contact enshrined in case law. But when it is put to them, as it was yesterday, that that presumption should be mirrored in statute, they say that they do not like the idea that presumption of reasonable contact should actually appear in the Children Act 1989. So their position is contradictory, and the muddle of it is compounded by their belief that the present law is all right.

The present law is not all right, because it cannot prevent thousands of blameless and loving parents being granted next to no contact with their children for no material or good reason. I say to the noble Baroness, Lady Howarth, that we are talking not about dangerous or dysfunctional parents but about normal, loving, non-violent parents who have had to come to court repeatedly to prove to a judge why it is reasonable for them to have a meaningful relationship with their child. That is the effect of the current law. They do not enter the court with a presumption of reasonable or meaningful contact; they enter it with a presumption of contact of some kind, which may end up as two hours once a fortnight, for no material or good reason.

Case law does not help those parents. The Minister's contention that it does is based on a fundamental misreading of case law and of the Children Act 1989. Certainly you can find in case law warm pronouncements by judges about the desirability of meaningful relationships between the child and both his parents. But if case law is to be useful as a precedent, it has to pass a test. It would have to be recognised by the Court of Appeal as having clear applicability to broad and recognisable categories of parents. It would have to provide a steer to the courts in cases involving those same categories of parent about how much contact time it is reasonable for the resident and non-resident parent to have. Nothing like that exists in case law, which is why I say that the Minister has misled himself in referring to case law.


6.30 pm

The question was asked yesterday: what is the definition of the term "reasonable contact"? The answer is that it can be defined by reference to units of time, dependent on the circumstances of the case, so long as those units of time are sufficient to deliver the desired end result, which is a meaningful relationship with the child. Most aggrieved non-resident parents will tell you that unless there is overnight contact, the chances of a meaningful relationship continuing are low. The judge might say that in the best interests of the child, and to give the best chance of a meaningful relationship, it is reasonable for the resident mother to


12 Oct 2005 : Column GC109
have 70 per cent of the contact time and the non-resident father to have 30 per cent. The apportionment is then translated into numbers of days and nights per year.

But all too often, material contact of this kind is denied or brought to an end for no material reason. It is brought to an end in the face of the resident mother's emotional protests. It is brought to an end because the mother accuses the father of having repeatedly asked for the marmalade in a sarcastic tone of voice. It is brought to an end because the mother accuses the father of changing the time at which a meeting is to take place, thereby upsetting the domestic routine. There needs to be a good reason to deny a blameless non-violent parent reasonable contact time.

With only a legal presumption of contact, a non-resident parent can be sure of only one thing—that he or she will be awarded at least some minimal level of contact unless a good reason can be shown why not. No more than that. That, again, is the answer to the noble Baroness, Lady Howarth. She did not say that the current presumption of contact poses a risk to the child, and she was right in not saying that. The fact that there is a presumption in law does not mean that a court must make a contact order. If there is a good reason in the interests of the child not to make a contact order—usually because to do so would pose an unacceptable risk to the child—then there is no contact order. In the same way, if the Children Act were to provide for a presumption of reasonable contact, that would not put the child at a greater risk of harm. A presumption is only what it says—a presumption. If a good reason is shown to the court why there should not be material contact, the court will not make an order granting it. It would not be reasonable to do so.

So I say to the Minister, please take further legal advice. With one breath, he is embracing the presumption of reasonable contact, and with the next he is resisting it. By sticking to his current position, by resisting the idea that a presumption of reasonable contact should be incorporated into the Children Act, he is doing one thing and one thing only—rejecting the two-parent model for bringing up children. He is rejecting the golden principle that the child-parent bond should not be lightly set aside. He is going against what he says he believes about how children can best maximise their life chances. And because he does not acknowledge that a very simple change to the law is what stands between contentment and utter grief for hundreds, if not thousands, of parents, he has allowed himself to believe that the measures contained in Clause 1 will do good. They will not, because they are conceived on the premise that there is nothing wrong with the Children Act provisions on contact that a few parenting classes will not cure. If you do not cure the root of the problem, you will not cure the problem, and the root of the problem is something that the Bill does not touch.

"A system is not a card or a filing case; it is the right way to do a thing."

Cyber Zen

I found this just by clicking Next Blog.

http://cyberzen.blogspot.com/


"One who would be serene and pure needs but one thing, detachment"

Back into Yoga

Ah, that's better! :) Just got back from yoga and feel all stretched out. The classes actually started again about 3 weeks ago. I went to the first one but missed the next 2 being so tired that I just crashed in bed when I got in from work. Think the Reiki has something to do with the tiredness! It should by all accounts work itself out in 21 days.


"A lie is like a snowball, the farther you roll it, the bigger it becomes."

Birthday Bash!

Started a bit strange and had to keep wishful thinking of seeing David or thinking his mum may let him ring me out of my mind. If I could have had anything today it would have been a hug off my son -- the best lad in the world!

Birthday dinner
Went to my mum and dad's and we went out for dinner to a pub The Golden Dragon (I think) in Lymm. It was lovely. We went somewhere else first but it was so tiny it was already full! Think it would be definitely wise to book for there in future. :) Elaine came too and my mum told us all about her trip to London with Claire. They went in the Tower and on the London Eye amongst other stuff. The Eye was their favourite :)

Evening get together
Went to the Cornerhouse for a meal with tons of friends :) Got lots of nice prezzies including delicious exfoliating foot things, a huge heart and an origami kit that will be great to do with the kids!

Thank you to Mark n Mandy, Louise n James, Gemma n Jaye, Nicola n Richard, Rach n Tom, Julia, Chris, Ian, Debbie, Steve, Claire and AbiTron!

The meal was lovely and the staff were great. Thanks to everyone at the Cornerhouse for making my birthday special! :)

Went to the Press Club for a nice relaxing post party drink before coming home and going to bed absolutely shattered!


"Live simply so that others may simply live."

Approaching the guitar grades!

Well it seems I am fast approaching my mock guitar grade 2! Don't know what happened to Grade 1 but there you go - must be a good student! :D

Loving practicing - classical, blues and 'rock'. It's good jamming too, though I'm not exactly brilliant! lol

It's great to see the progress in yourself and it really helps with the self-belief. Music is definitly the food of life :)


"You never learn anything by talking."

Thai Foot Massage

Had a great Thai Foot Massage off Susannah. I was bouncing along to the car afterwards. I felt great -- from the knees down that is lol! ;D


"Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten."

Into the Limelight at Cube

Had a great night at the launch of Lime's exhibition in the Cube Gallery on Portland St Manchester. All the artwork was fantastic and it's great seeing it all brought together in one place.

Finally I put some faces to the invoices I used to process! Anna Creighton, Hannah Murphy and the lurvely Adela Jones. :)

Sat chatting to Rene Lumley, artist and friend, who put together the installation representing to me different spiritual states of mind and the possibilities of change and freedom. The wine flowed and the J2O's sank as we enjoyed the live four piece wind ensemble.

Was nice to see Raphael, fantastic artist and project manager for the Zimbabwe project undertaken by Black Labrador Community Arts with orphaned kids whose parents had been lost to Aids.

Brian was looking as proud as he rightly deserves to be and that is very proud! The Big Daddy championing the therapeutic use of arts in mental health by patients working with professional and caring artists. I was extremely chuffed to see it all coming together and the fantastic reception everyone got.

We ended the night with a few drinks in the Peveril, me on the softs of course, before I drove Rene home and took a flyer for Adela's night on the 28th! :)

The exhibition Limelight is on at Cube until 29 Oct 05.


"A willing helper does not wait to be called"

Louise's Birthday Party!

Louise's party rocked! :D

Everyone was in fancy dress - I dressed up as Elle Driver out of Kill Bill! Snow White won overall costume prize :)

I think someone put something in the red wine because my belly was hurting right up until this morning! Met the lovely Curate Rachel too who is going to marry Louise and James. She seemed very familiar to me, I wonder if we've met before, although now it's just come to me that she reminds me of a lecturer I had at college!! Very smiley!

Jessica Rabbit looked stunning in her long red dress and I didn't realise at the time but my colleague Budd out of Kill Bill 2 was there lol! Fred Flinstone and Wilma were spot on too! In fact everyone looked the part!

Let's hope my get together this Sunday will be just as good! :) Will be missing David like mad of course so no drinking for me else I'll be crying over everyone!


"If 'it can't be done' had dismayed the world's leaders, we would still be living in the Stone Age."

Photo on Suzi's live journal

It's always nice when someone wants to use something you've done so I was more than happy to let Suzi use my golden toenails foot photo on her Live Journal!

http://www.livejournal.com/users/suzilem/2005/10/10/

Go girl! :)

It was really nice actually because I've been feeling upset thinking about David and his grandad being upset about it all too. This brought a smile to my face. Thanks Suzi. :) x


"Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts"

I am Jareth

Found this on a Live Journal and it made me burst out laughing!



I dressed up as Ziggy Stardust once for a fancy dress but was beaten to the post by my best mate from school Matt dressed as Mrs Mopp!

"Money often costs too much"

New Blogosphere Friend and sooo soon! Hi Sarah!

Made a new friend in the blogosphere on LiveJournal. :) Hi Sarah!

Sarah's comments and email made me beam from ear to ear! :D

Here's what Sarah put on her website:
"This guy is utterly amazing. you must check him out. http://www.stevencunio.com/ "

Thanks Sarah! You are utterly wonderful too! :D
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ladyofthemist/


"If you can't be a sun don't be a cloud"

Did some self Reiki healing today! It actually works! :D

When I got up this morning I was feeling a bit wobbly, I don't know why, I hadn't been drinking, I don't do drugs and I'm not on any lol! However, the unease wouldn't leave me. At first I thought it was my stomach but no, sorting that didn't shift it. Then I put my hand on my heart chakra and I nearly threw up (sorry if that's too much information!) . Woah. So I lay down and continued putting Reiki into it, slowing the spin, balancing it out and after a few minutes the feeling had completely gone! More than that it left me in good spirits all day.

:)

If I remember I'll put a nice quote on each post like this!:
"That which is bitter to endure may be sweet to remember"

Live Journal looks good!

I've just spent a good few hours browsing around Live Journal and making some new online friends! I've not set an ID up yet but probably will do soon. :)

LJ users are part of communities which have their own quirks particularly for the wording for looking at posts and replying to them! Take a look at it http://www.livejournal.com/

My friend told me about it a while ago actually but I didn't really check it out being active on other sites -- I was profiled out!

La Casa del Llanete

Just updated Phil and Nicky's website Casa del Llanete http://www.casadellanete.com/

They will be appearing on BBC 3 soon and have bought a house in Spain to host therapeutic breaks. There will be arts classes, walks and complementary therapies on offer!

Prices are on the website so if you are interested drop Phil or Nicky a line! :)

Reiki, a Master, a Pearl and a Healing

Background
Went down to Sale Moor to do my Reiki Level 1 with http://www.smiletherapies.co.uk/ It was powerful stuff. The energy was really flowing and the core essence that I became aware of when I was reduced to nothing all those years ago was plucked from within me. I couldn't understand. Afterall, this was the thing that remained untouchable, the very core essence of me that could not be reached. It was when I felt this inside my hollow shell all those years ago that kept me alive, kept me going and showed me that I did not need to give up.

The Master
Yet here it was removed from the protection of my belly, held aloft by my Reiki guide, an oriental Master. He asked me what he should do with it. I was unsure. However, it felt safe. I thought I needed it but as soon as he plucked it from within me the word 'surrender' crossed my mind, corresponding with the first angel card I had chosen. Surrender did not sit comfortably with me so, after some time, I placed the angel card back into the pack and shuffled to choose another. After several shuffles, and cards popping out, one card shot out and onto the floor. I wanted to choose my own but felt this must be the one. It was the angel of care. I immediately thought of Michelle when I saw it; I think it was the deep purple colour of the frock and definitely the title. I cried, the angel of care was just what I needed to help with the trepidation that the angel of surrender had raised in me.

Surrender, Care, a Pearl
So here I was, within the healing, my eyes closed, the outline of my body glowing green and my stomach in turbulence, having had my core plucked from me. The Master had said 'Ah I think I can see the problem' and just reached in, no warning. 'Surrender', I heard. The angel of care made it feel alright. The core was blackened, scorched with the onslaught it had faced. I couldn't understand. He asked me what he should do with it, 'Should I put it back'. I don't know I thought, I don't know. I don't understand. I fell back. How could I live without my essence, the very core of me? Then revelation. 'It's a pearl!' I deduced, 'its just something I've protected and it doesn't need protecting any more.' The Master smiled. 'What should I do with it?' 'I don't know', I said still uncertain. Maybe cast it out of the window but I felt this was not right. Eventually, I said that I needed to see it gone. The Master held it between his thumb and index finger and passed his hand across it. I watched as he magiced it away. I felt unsettled. I had said 'Surrender' was wrong yet it was exactly what I needed to do and only with the strength of the angel of care had I been able to do so. I feel if I had not reshuffled the pack then I would have said to him to put my core back, feeling that I was not ready. I would have not seen it for what it was.

Elation, Freedom
I felt elated, I just wanted to smile and say 'Yes, yes, yes!' into the real world but I did not want to disturb the person practising her Reiki on me. My stomach was free. I was free to create a new pearl, a new life to ready myself for the future. A future that did not include protecting that I had succeeded in protecting, myself. I could now let the self go and create a new one.

Affirmation
After the treatment the Reiki teacher Susannah and the student told me that the pendulum had gone mad over the Sacral Chakra, exactly where my experience had taken place. I had not even told them my story. I was feeling a sense of loss and uncertainty, unsure as to whether I had done the right thing. They had picked up the turbulence. Without knowing they had affirmed my experience.

Reiki is probably not something that can be proven by today's science but it is real to those doing it. This experience has shown me another dimension to my life and has helped place a period at the end of one lifetime and create space to start anew.

Healing Hands, Sleep, Balance
Afterwards, I gave a treatment of my own. It was powerful. I sought to achieve balance, replace the raised chakras into the body of my fellow student and help them into a smooth, steady spin. Within a couple of minutes she was deep asleep, her head in my hands. She did not awaken until after the hour long session. The balance sent into her was beautiful and Susannah even reported that she too had become caught up in the healing as I worked the Reiki deep, my hands floating around the chakras and balancing them with each other, spinning in time. Lost in the spell, Susannah had looked up and at first didn't know who I was. After the session the student spoke first said she felt absolutely wonderful, never better. Susannah reported the spinning sensation of the chakra she had picked up when moving to the student's head. I smiled. Everything I had done had been felt, achieved and affirmed. the guides had stood and nodded too.

The Healer
Now graduated to Level 1, I can now give Reiki to those who want it free of charge. Friends and family need just ask!

Peace and love to you all.